muffled

lately i've kind of felt like my mind has been in these....

the clouds. and it's not in a good way.

it's not that i have nothing to do, and i know for certain that there is, most definitely, something in there; it just seems that,

as of late,

i've been separating myself from, well, myself. don't get me wrong, i go to work, i exercise, i see people but there's just something wanting. something in my heart that wont entirely let me be my normal self again and sometimes, to be quite frank, i hate it.

once i think that i've found my happy heart, things happen that bring back the pain and emptiness i feel accompanied with my brother's death.

for example.

neal's best friend (justin's) dad died this week. so tragic. seeing justin's pain and anguish has brought back all of that for me. it has made me retreat back into the hollow alone shell that i found myself after neal died.

now. i don't say this because i want pity. oh no. i just want people to know how incredibly hard it is to overcome a heartbreaking tragedy.

it changes who you are. i am sure of it. granted i will move on with my life and i will be happy again. but, i am convinced that the hole my brother made when he left will never be filled with something as wonderful as him. ever again.

although it's hard (really... extremely hard), i hope that i will be a better person for it (cliche, i know) but...

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."

-unknown